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:iconsns95: More from sns95


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October 4, 2009
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Amidst an accumulation of inhabitants there sways a solitary dancer,
who is affixed to the end of a string;
who moves so gracefully to a ghostly tune
while her silhouette flickers across the floor from a yearning inferno.
Her feet swing round atop an expanse of glass
and sitting below, lying in wait, is the promise of ghosts

They examine with famished eyes, these phantoms
as a possession claims the dancer,
who travels ever faster above the glass;
while threads appear to fray from the string,
and beginning to lick at their ends is a blaze
that is held in place by a paranormal tune

howling and wailing, enchanted by this song,
the accumulation of residents who seem to notice the ghosts,
begin to fall victim to the bonfire
and yet unaware of this all, she marches on, the dancer
It has almost lost its clutch entirely, tattered to the gauntest twine
Slivers stretch within the glass

The room is saturated with the murderous resonance of shattering glass
Tempos speed and drums join in the disastrous melody
Desperate not to lose control is a string,
of which is seemingly being demolished by the ghouls
She falters, on edge of collapse, the dancer
While roving ever nearer are the flames

Obtaining everything in its path is the inferno
Portions are falling an impractical distance beneath the glass
She has begun to tremble like a leaf, the dancer
The resonances are claiming her soul within the music
And growing ever larger is the populace of spirits
It is precariously thin now, the once substantial string

Fragment by fragment and bit by bit it recedes, the threads
And stronger than ever is the blaze,
which effortlessly dictates the ghosts
and falling faster and faster is the sheet of glass
Images blur and sound is all that one can hear in this chaotic song
assembled now over wasted appendages is the once proud dancer

And so the dancer disintegrates around her splintered string,
The tantalizing music consents to allow the flames to wreak havoc
And the glass fragments release the ghosts from their malevolent dwelling.
That was quite possibly one of the hardest things I have ever made an attempt at writing. O.O
I didn't do the whole iambic pentameter...that would have made this already lengthy project take a good few months.

Anyways, this is for ^fllnthblnk's Sestina Poetry Contest. Go to this news article for more information: [link]
The six words (forms of) that I used are: dancer, string,music, flame, glass, ghost. Like I said earlier, they are in a few different forms....
PLEASE ENJOY! :iconflowerdanceplz:

As for the title, I had no idea what to put...so here we go!
You MAY NOT use this without my written permission. Also, in no way at all may you claim this as your own.
:iconleurindal:
this is an admirable effort, especially considering that you're still 14. I couldn't write half as well as this when I was your age.

Now, the poem itself. My main problems with this piece are:

1. irregularity of line length - sestinas usually have uniform line lengths/number of syllables. On taking a look at the first two lines, one may immediately note how disproportionate in length the lines are.

2. six-words variability - it's ok to play with homophones and the such, but changing 'ghosts' to ';phantoms' and 'blaze' to 'bonfire' (using synonyms) is not very in keeping with the sestina's rules.

3. most importantly: you repeated the tendency of ending the lines quite unnaturally, showing clearly that you're straining to accomodate the sestina's rules. For example:

'and yet unaware of this all, she marches on, the dancer'
'Fragment by fragment and bit by bit it recedes, the threads'

Incorporating the lines more naturally into the poem by using enjambment would alleviate this problem. You did this very well in a number of instances - you just need to take care of the lines in which the inclusion of the word is clearly forced.

4. the poem's narrative - the poem is teeming with imagery but the multitude of images fail to coalesce into a clearly-defined development. It's as if, after reading the poem, the reader still fails to grasp what exactly has just happened.

I think that you have great potential. A sestina is difficult to write and you wrote a respectable one. Try to work on the points I mentioned and it would improve significantly.

Take care and keep writing :rose:
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:iconsns95:
Thank you for the wonderful advice, I'll keep it in mind and see what it does to help me get this polished up by the deadline. :)
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:iconleurindal:
you're very welcome, and good luck!
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